No Trolls

One hour and 23 minutes. That is 4920 seconds of my life I will never get back because I was forced to watch the movie “Trolls”, or perhaps a better title for it: where entertainment went to die. For those readers who are lucky enough to avoid the festering glitter trainwreck, I’ll sum it up: 90 percent drug induced hallucination, 9-percent autotune nightmare, 1 percent horrifying crude adult humor. Maybe children don’t think much of the phrase, “slappy slappy makes daddy happy,” but unfortunately the rest of the audience is not spared such discomfort.

One of the more horrifying features of the movie is the plot. The villains, the Bergens, a race of creatures doomed to lives of ugliness and savageness by their cruel creators, only experience happiness when eating trolls. I resent the trite trope of ugly unlovable villains, who since they are ugly, must be incapable of happiness. It is socially irresponsible to ingrain that kind of villainization in kids because it influences their perception of humanity. If we are teaching our kids to judge based on appearances, then we are raising a generation to be neither tolerant or empathetic. Besides the social implications, it’s just weird! The Bergens are just slightly larger, uglier trolls, so eating the trolls is borderline cannibalistic. However, the problems with this film do not stop here.

Even more bizarre than the plot for this neon nightmare are the characters. The character named Mr. Dinkles especially disturbed me. He could very well be the hacked off limb of another troll that someone glued googly eyes on. Another fabulous character sprays glitter out his butt. I don’t know what that is supposed to represent in the troll’s universe, but the options do not look good.

Yes, I have made my disdain for the film perfectly clear, but I can’t help but admit that “Trolls” inspired some introspection. In fact, “Trolls” made me confront my mortality multiple times. I believe phrases like “I want death” and “please kill me so I don’t have to watch another minute of this” left my lips several times throughout the movie.


While it is repulsive that children are being force fed neon glitter party culture and consumerism, it does provide the answer to many questions of future historians, like ‘where did it all go wrong?’. The answer is this movie. This is where.